I have long pondered what it would feel like to write this post, or some version of it. I thought I would feel and think and say many things, and yet the things I think and feel and have to say are nowhere near what I always imagined they would be.
In case any of you are late to the party, I’ll just start off right away with this: I’m Audra, I’m 29 years old, and I’m getting married. And I’ll try to keep this short.
It’s odd how many cliches suddenly feel true, how many platitudes, adages, and age-old expressions feel like they were written just for me, just for my current situation, just for us.
When you know, you know.
It’ll happen when you least expect it.
Terms like soul mate and the one – terms I’ve always scoffed at, thought were ridiculous and which hinted at gross improbabilities the odds of which, when factors like the world’s population as well as the world’s geographic square footage were taken into account, just always came out to be mathematically impossible. Suddenly these terms have taken on new meaning to me. Suddenly deep truths about love and relationships that have always been hidden to me before now have been revealed in such sparkling clarity I can’t imagine how I never knew them before.
Previously I never understood what it could possibly feel like for my soul to yearn for what it found in the soul of another. For something deep inside of me to be nourished and fed by something that could be found deep inside another person. I never previously grasped the concept of understanding someone without that person having to explain himself, or that of another person understanding me without my having to say a word. I’ve never before now known with the deepest certainty that any one single person was the one person I wanted to toil through life with no matter what came, good or bad. And I’ve never experienced what I can only now describe as an unfathomable but incredibly peaceful joy of spirit caused by any being other than the God I believe in.
There are things I now understand about relationship and intimacy that, based on the romantic experiences I’ve had in the past, I thought would remain nebulous mysteries to me forever. I thought intimacy meant sexual closeness, sexual chemistry, sexual tension. I know now that it means something that contains so much more depth and complexity than mere sexual intercourse could ever make plain. I have now experienced an intimacy of soul, of spirit, of mind, of emotion, of shared life goals and common human desire, none of which come even remotely close to having anything to do with sex.
I understand now what it is for another person not to complete me but to complement me; to feel in true partnership and community with just one other individual; to feel that there are things I can do and accomplish and learn and conquer simply because this one individual person supports, believes in, and respects me. I understand now what it is to feel inseparably connected to another person, and yet to know I am still a whole, complete person who stands on my own and makes my own decisions and lives my own life.
The chapter I’m about to begin writing – that I’ve already begun writing, in fact – is vastly different from all the chapters I’ve written up to this point because this chapter – and all the ones hereafter, if I’m lucky – will be co-written. And the deepest, most mature, most grown-up parts of me know that I have chosen the best possible co-author for these next bits. Those parts of me rest contentedly in the knowledge that I am doing possibly the most right thing I’ve ever done in my entire life, save for give my life to Jesus Christ.
Here’s to the writing I will do together with David Spencer from now on. Here’s to the learning I will do together with David. Here’s to the life David and I are going to make together. I (we) hope you’ll join us on this adventure.
Peace to you, friends.